Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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