Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
