??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
