he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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