a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
This is classic penis vs brain.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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