The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
it's not cheating when I paid for it
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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