I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
