Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
