How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
