I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize