this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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