Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
