It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
