I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Randomize
