I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
