I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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