I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
