I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm sobbing to NWA
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize