Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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