I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
