The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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