I think I won the penis lottery.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
