I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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