I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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