cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
