According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
