I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
