I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize