So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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