I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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