matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
