Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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