if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
sarcasm needs its own font
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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