Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
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