I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
