glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
