Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
