it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
It's never too late to be topless.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
