as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
