Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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