Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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