My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
