That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He has the fingertips of a God
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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