My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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