My friends, they love my intelligence
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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