Just took my morning after pill in the library
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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