shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
