i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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