why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
