if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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