im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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