Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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