I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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