It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Text me some of your sweat
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
