Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
