Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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