woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
