my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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