the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize