What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Randomize
