Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
