i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize