My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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