Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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