i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize