we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
